Worrying

Tuesday, Jun. 20, 2006 at 9:39 a.m.

I'm starting to feel a bit like a burden to my poor boyfriend. The other day while talking about people who'd defriended me on LiveJournal for being "too sappy," I cracked a joke about wedding invitations. Okay, getting married is a cute little fantasy of mine, but nothing that is going to happen any time soon. I know this very well. Yet I still managed to scare the poor guy. I didn't even mean us! I meant hypothetically, from anyone, not just him and me. I know it's too early to think like that. Worse of all, I said it in front of a bunch of other people, thus embarrassing myself. It seemed to blow over, but I kept thinking about it, so I apologized to him last night about it. It's probably just because I'm PMSing, but I even felt bad about doing that, because it felt like I put him on the spot to say something about it, to talk about things that we're really not ready to talk about.

I still feel kind of bad about it. I mean, I don't want to be the girlfriend that he has to handle with kid gloves and keep content. I don't want him to feel like he has to strive to make me happy, because he does just by being who he is. I'm happy with just the fact that he loves me. He doesn't have to know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me or anything like that, just that he wants to be with me right now. That's it. He doesn't need to pretend for me, and I don't want to make him feel like he needs to.

Somehow, though, last night I felt like I made him do that. I felt like I mistreated him. That scares me because I really don't want to lose him just because I said something stupid. And it scares me to think a relationship can be that fragile.

I'm sort of taking a break from the RPG I'm in, partially because I'm emotional and partially because they really won't notice if I disappear for a while. No one really talks to me to begin with there. Minitsu does now and then, but that's about it. I thought Neon would need me for a little bit because her hard drive got attacked by a virus, but it winds up that she really doesn't. So I feel a bit pointless there. The game itself has lost its sparkle for me and the chat makes me feel alienated, so perhaps I'm just better off keeping to myself a while. Maybe I'll find somewhere new to hang out online. There has to be somewhere else I'll be welcomed.

I wonder what it's like to have a group of friends who really genuinely care about you? Not sure I've ever experienced that. I'll find them someday.

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